A Smattering of Self-Expression

I never thought the day would come, but I actually miss writing self-reflection papers. Don’t get me wrong, they were usually miserable excuses for assignments, and I don’t think I learned a whit about myself writing them, but as far as college papers go, they got kind of fun. Once I figured out that I would get an A literally no matter what I wrote, as long as I wrote it well, the world kind of opened up. I badly paraphrased famous authors, I turned everyone I knew into anthropomorphic animals, I spent three pages ranting about the term “corrosive” and how it applied my current college situation. I even parodied a self-reflection paper in a self-reflection paper. It got fun.

I feel like I should somehow turn the need I feel to b.s. my way through a self-reflection essay into fuel for my blog, but I don’t really know how. There were always prompts for self-reflection papers. What did you learn? What did this chapter make you think of? How is your life like the hero’s journey? The answer was generally nothing, nothing, and it’s not really, but I got pretty creative. I would tie in my plans for lunch and the song that was stuck in my head with a theology textbook. I then wrote a poem about falling asleep while reading said theology textbook. I once did a whole presentation on something solely because Godspell was stuck in my head. I like drawing weird connections.

I like surprising people.

When I write, whether it’s poetry, fiction, or even essays, my goal is to compare things that no one else would ever consider comparing, but make it seem so effortless that they wonder how they didn’t think of it themselves. Douglas Adams and postmodernism? Sure. It’s pretty straightforward, really. Wuthering Heights and faeries? Why not? I made it work. Sort of. We’re still working on that one. Being a Creative Writing major and being a drummer and playing Roller Coaster Tycoon? It’s very much the same thing. I do want to try to get that essay published someday, but it needs some work. Most of the people who read it who liked being Creative Writing majors were kind of offended. *shrugs*

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad for my education, and I absolutely loved some aspects of being a Creative Writing major. My writing definitely got better. I found my voice, my style. I learned very little that I didn’t already know as far as grammar goes; I just got sad when some of my classmates who were planning to be teachers didn’t know any of it. Yay educational system! That being said, I should’ve majored in engineering. I should’ve gone to an Ivy League school. I should’ve dedicated myself to something that would’ve made a lasting impact rather than throwing every ounce of willpower I had into a magazine that no longer exists because people are lazy and a thesis that I was told could’ve been half the length and effort and still would’ve gotten an A. (I still can’t quite process that.)

There are a lot of things I should have done in life. There are a lot of things I should be doing in life. Why aren’t I doing them? Laziness. Fear that it’s not good enough. That I’m not good enough. Lack of motivation. Burn out. Netflix. But I’m trying to get them done. One at a time. I’m trying to keep up my blog. I’m trying to write a novel. I’m trying to write and edit a serial story. I’m trying to edit a friend’s novel. I’m trying to read. I’m trying to exercise. I’m trying to bake and cook. I’m trying to learn. To constantly always learn. So here’s to writing and reading and eating and life. Cheers.


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